2 months ago I realised how much of a shitty situation this was. How had we gone from semi- awesomeness to this. This where I felt like I needed to earn any attention that you would eventually give to me. How did you expect me to survive from one moment of bliss to another moment of bliss when they were in fact so far apart? 1 month ago I came to visit you. People were painting. I was confused as to why and that’s when you told me that you were in fact moving out that week. How is it possible that your girlfriend is the last person you told about this. Especially when I had already made plans to visit you again the next week. 1 month ago The first time we actually cuddled. We had been dating for 5 months and we had never cuddled. How weird was that? I drove home that weekend and at the provincial line that separates Gauteng and North West I began crying. How had I wasted so much time trying to convince a grown ass man that I was worthy? 1 month ago I woke up in tears. Fuck it I said. I’m done with this. I didn’t even think that you deserved a face to face at this point. I went ahead and sent you a message. “I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. It’s not me. It’s you. Your personality and the way in which you conduct yourself in this relationship makes me feel worthless. Which is actually such a problem because only in recent years have I realised how frikking awesome I am. I’m not trying to go back to that place I was before I turned 22. When I treat you with the lack of interest and decency that you continuously treat me with you have the nerve to call me out and ask me why I am acting differently. As if I haven’t seen how you changed from you being 100% to you being 25% in this relationship. As much as I love you I’m just over trying to field the landmine that is loving you. Constantly censoring myself to fit into these parameters that you’ve set by your actions and your words to me. Worried that I am to feminist. I’m too pro-black. I’m too natural haired. I want to hate you so much because I gave you everything and you couldn’t even find it in yourself to try and get over your hurdles from past experiences. Constantly policing yourself into thinking that if you do certain things then your friends or brother won’t think that you are man enough. If you didn’t think that I was worth it in the beginning then I don’t understand why you insisted on me loving you. I see everything even when you think I don’t notice. I turned a blind eye because I was committed to making this work. I had always hoped that I wouldn’t date multiple men in my life because I just wanted to love truly an deeply once. You lie to me, you aren’t reliable, you are so narcissistic that you make every argument about you and how I have wronged you. Even when the situation demands that I am rightfully upset, somehow you turn it around and I end up apologizing. Fuck man, you made me break every single one of my rules. How do I even begin to pick myself u from the shit that you left me in? How are you okay with treating another human as if they aren’t worth your time or efforts? I can’t do this anymore. And sure, I am not the easiest person to love. I am difficult and demanding. I love attention from people that I consider to be in my inner circle. The list is probably endless with all of my faults but I know for sure that I love honestly and I’m loyal to the end. I’m pretty sure now that you never even loved me. You just though that I had low self-esteem and would be easy to convince. And I was easy to convince about everything, because I am a romantic and I believed in all the stuff that came with it. You said all the right words and did all the rights things in the beginning so how could I even try to resist? One day you’ll find a lady whom you treat like a queen because she’s your perfect type of awesome and you will love her so much that the thought of losing her would break your heart. She’s also the one whom you are going or want to open up to. Who you want to grow with in every single possible way and it will be so magical that you won’t even remember my name and that I sent you this." 1 month ago. You called and told me that I was right. That you, Adam, are an awful person. That I should give you a second chance. As I mentioned how my friends significant others treated them you told me not to make comparison. I agree. Comparison is the thief of joy. In this situation though I was comparing a healthy relationship that had open communication to a farce of a relationship speared by one person’s selfishness not to be single. You actually told me that you thought that our relationship was perfectly fine. That you really weren’t expecting this. That you never realised I was unhappy. 3 weeks ago I said that I was okay with seeing you for breakfast. We sat in silence in the middle of Neighbourgoods market. 15 minutes of silence as I had my mint flavoured shake. We left. Jessica saw me cry in the car before we went into the event that we had planned for the day. 2 weeks ago You told me that you never intentionally set out to hurt me, never. That it hurts you that I am hurting and especially because it was caused by you. You missed me. You are hurt that I think that you are a bad person and that you are just hoping for the best outcome. The fact that you could have used this opportunity to declare your undying love and commitment to me was lost in this moment. You only chose to say the bare minimum that you knew you could get away with. 2 weeks ago We started talking. We had actual conversations. You actually spoke words of substance. Something that we hadn’t done in a long time. 1 week ago You had a really bad week. You said that you didn’t want to talk about it over the phone so I left it. You said we’d talk about it when we saw each other which I had no plans of doing. Saturday. As we had lunch I hoped that you would open up. That you would finally speak to me. That did not happen. This is when I realised that it would never happen. You constantly speak words that you know I want to hear. You make promises of a better you. As if I should wait in pain as you work through your life. As if I should be okay with the fact that I’m only good enough to date if nobody knows. Sunday. Sunday would have been 6 months. Today. I’m done.
3 Comments
Joey
6/27/2016 10:31:46 am
I love this. Not because you went through a hurtful experience but because you stayed strong and true to you. It's hard when you love someone to see red flags for what they truly are and to walk away. But you did it! You finally did it and I hope that you pray on this and that you don't make the mistake of taking past experiences into your next (and hopefully last) relationship 🙃 The world needs more women like you & you are brave to have shared your story 💜
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Karabo
6/27/2016 11:49:57 am
💔 I hate that you had to go through this. If there's anyone I know that loves honestly it's you.
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