Why are you trying to disturb my peace
In no particular order I need to start with the most recent story which involves falling in love and having your heart broken in 16 days. Technically the story starts more than 16 days ago. In fact, a few months ago this gentleman whom we shall call Sipho (because that is the closets I will come to dating a South African man) and I had the most disastrous of first interactions. So much so that I wrote him off and listed him in my brain as a complete fail. When the year started, and he sent me a message one of the first things I asked him was, “Why are you trying to disturb my peace...” His response was merely that he had thought of me. At almost 12 that same evening, the evening before my first day back at work, he gently chastised me and said. “You've been talking to me for an hour after you said goodnight.” I knew right then that there would be problems. Men failed to keep my interest long enough to engage me the whole day in conversation. That is what he had managed to do. He was even interrupting my sleep. Within a few days we had integrated ourselves into each other’s lives quicker than I had with anyone else. Video calls where no words were spoken was a norm and being on the phone for less than an hour and a half was not possible. I attempted to make myself believe that we could box the relationship into just a sexual one. After all, he was not in the right place for a relationship due to life happening to him in the last year. Let alone be in a relationship with me. I am too demanding and expect commitment that outweighs no other. As a result we began this thing where we tried to navigate past our emotional connection and leave it to the pure chemistry that was unparalleled. He had my heart doing back flips just at the sound of his voice. At the end of a call with him I would have to regain composure. Not because we had spoken anything sexual but merely because he is an intellectual and uses words in a way that had my whole body shook. I am yet to be convinced of the concept of marriage for myself but in the back of my mind I imagined that this feeling was the reason that so many took the step to make such a commitment. A deep connection to someone else’s soul that made you feel at peace. The first time that I met him after having had spoken to him for more than a week I was speechless. This man who had swept me away with words alone was real. In the physical he was more than I expected and all I wanted to do was sit next to him and hold his hand like we were high school lovers. We didn’t though. I have to date, never been so thoroughly made love to. You see, the experience of having sex when you are overweight is a daunting one. You feel the pressure to perform or behave in a certain way that would be more appeasing to your sexual partner. Because, as much as he may be attracted to your personality and your intelligence – the physical is something that some men can’t get past. They skirt around your weight by not touching you in places where you should be skinnier. Your rolls, big thighs and saggy boobs are out in display and some men find it hard to reconcile. They end up having sex with certain parts of you which are desirable and not the whole of you as a person. Sipho. Dear goodness… Sipho. He undoubtedly wanted to be with me physically. There was no room in my mind to question the fact that he was all about the jiggle and the wiggle. The sweetest touches and kisses that almost brought me to tears and made me second guess every other relation I had been in. [For that I will always be grateful and won’t be able to accept any less in future.] When he left that evening, I knew in the deepest of places of my heart that he was a game changer. It would take me only a few days to tell him something along those lines… I woke up to the most beautiful morning text that has ever been sent in the history of morning texts. I received mind-blowing compliments that would make my heart race for hours on end. My mind was stimulated, and the attraction grew. The second time we met. We broke up. Mind you we hadn’t even been dating. It had been less than 16 days and here I was, lying next to a companion that my soul recognised as suitable and we were breaking up. We as females often wish to be with emotionally mature men. When one pops up and is reasonable in the things that he says we end up heartbroken because we want to distort reality to suit our hearts needs. I have no doubt in my mind of what we shared. Sometimes though some people are like shooting starts and you have to admire their beauty and presence in the moment that you are given. There can be nothing more than that moment in time.
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Previously I shared some exciting and not so exciting things that happened last year. I am definitely looking forward to this year and so I thought that I should share 10 things that I will be doing.
What are you most excited for this year? Hey loves 2016 has come and gone and I thought that it would be fun to share a list of 10 odd things that happened to me – because that’s what bloggers do.
What were your odd 10 moments of 2016? If you follow me on social media you are aware that I have listened to the new Solange album about 1 million times. I have to say that I adore every single song. In honour of such I would like to take a moment to highlight my fav lines from each song. Well that is easy.
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HulisaniIntersectional Feminist. Hopeless Romantic. Lover of Life. Archives
January 2018
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